The Obamacare Wars Part 9

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Monday, Feb 3, 2014. 10 AM EST. The White House.

“This is Brian Williams with NBC News. The President is about to make a brief announcement.”

President Obama stepped up to the microphone and smiled at the camera. “My fellow Americans. Yesterday, we witnessed the Democratic process inaction. Senator Cruz, though somewhat bloodied and humiliated before an audience that numbered in the hundreds of millions around the globe, survived his brush with death. And therefore, according to our laws and traditions that have been passed down to us since Roman times, we affirm that the Senator will live to fight another day.

“After getting a good hosing down, he was put on a plane to join his Republican House and Senate Comrades at the Guantanamo Resort, where he will enjoy a little R&R before being readmitted to civilian life. Thank you and good day.”

The president waved to the Camera and smiled again, then turned and walked away.

Sunday, February 16, 2014. 7 PM EST. Steve Kroft Interviews President Obama on 60 Minutes.

“Mr. President. It’s great to be back here interviewing you.”

“Steve. It is such a pleasure to have you here again. I hope you enjoyed the tomatoes.”

“They were delicious. But can I change the subject?” The President nodded his approval and said, “Fire away Steve.”

“As you know, we and a number of other News organizations have been reviewing your Kenyan Birth Certificate over the last few months, and we’ve come to the almost universal conclusion, Donald Trump and Orly Taitz aside, that it is a forgery, right down to the Made in Taiwan label at the bottom. Do you have anything to say about that Sir?”

“Of course. We were in critical negotiations with Donald Trump to take the White House National Golf Course off his hands and the Donald just would not budge. We had agreed to a price, but he just had this one condition. He had to have my Kenyan Long Form Birth Certificate or the deal was dead. Well, I called my Kenyan relatives in Nairobi to see if there’s anything they could do to help me out. I figured some Witch Doctor or something could conjure something up. But they told me about KenyanBirthCertificates.com. Who knew? I had one of my aides go online, they typed in the appropriate information and bam, we printed it out in less than an hour.”

“But you lied to us, Mr. President. How do you feel about that?”

“Well, we should go back and check the tape. I really don’t think I lied to you, but if I did, it was a little white lie, and since I’m only half white that really doesn’t count at all.”

Steve laughed at the President’s joke and continued, “Well OK. I guess you got me on that one Chief. We’ve also been checking on your Bin Laden scoop. No one has been able or willing to verify that he’s still alive and living in a cave under the Situation Room.”

“Steve, I’d take you down there myself, but he’s very shy about talking to the media. And besides, if I did, I’d have to have you killed. Top Secret National Security stuff. You understand. Any more questions, Steve?”

“No. As always, it’s been a pleasure, Sir.”

Monday, February 17, 2014. 10 AM EST. The White House Briefing Room.

Jay Carney stood at the podium and looked out at the White House Press Corps.

“Slow News day today. You will be pleased to note that last week the House and Senate agreed on a bill to defund the resort at Guantanamo Bay and stop paying for our Republican guests as of February 28th. The Congressional Budget office has estimated that this cost the Government about $1.5 million a week or something like $25 million for the duration. We were able to recover most of that by docking their pay and benefits for the same period, so we consider it money well spent. We would also like to announce that we have made a separate deal with the Hilton Corporation and Donald Trump to open the Guantanamo Bay Hilton Resort and Trump Casino. The transfer will begin on February 28th as well, but the resort will need extensive cleaning and renovations.

“Next week, Bill Clinton will be stepping down as Chief Justice and the Roberts Court will be reconstituted when the Conservative Justices return from their little vacation. They have agreed not to hear any cases related to bills that have been passed the last few months. The Former President will head up a blue ribbon panel of Top Democrats and the top conservative minds, folks such as Bill Kristol and Rich Lowry, to see how the Constitution can be restored and the electoral process restarted without leading to gridlock, budget hostage taking and puerile name calling. The panel will have a three month deadline for coming up with recommendations, so that we can have the 2014 elections on time.
“Ed Henry from Fox News. You get the first question.”

“Jay, since the President’s Kenyan birth certificate has been debunked, does that mean he was an American citizen all along? And why did he try to pass himself off as a Kenyan Muslim socialist?”

“Well, Ed. Donald Trump was adamant that he would only give us the golf course if the President presented him with his Kenyan Birth Certificate. Donald never demanded that the birth certificate had to be valid. The President explained all this on 60 Minutes last night, so I’m not going to repeat him. You can replay it on YouTube if you need more. I do believe that I said that the President was a Muslim and a Socialist, apparently erroneously, but different people see this differently. It’s a gray area. The President has great respect for people of the Muslim faith and has tried to act in accordance with the great wisdom of that tradition whenever it has been advantageous to do so. I think most people, certainly most people who watch Fox News, have no problem with me characterizing him as both a Muslim and a socialist, despite the fact that he also claims to be a Christian and a centrist.”
“Chuck Todd. You are next my brother.”

“It seems like there has also been a great deal of suspicion about Osama Bin Laden and whether he is or isn’t living in a cave under the White House Situation Room. No one has actually seen him or talked to him, despite the President playing golf on occasion with a vaguely Middle Eastern looking skinny 7 foot bearded man. Can you tell us categorically whether he is alive or dead and if not, is he living in the White House?”
“No. It’s classified. Top Secret. My lips are sealed.”

Friday, Feb 28, 2014. Around Sunset. Guantanamo Bay.

The last plane carrying former Republican lawmakers back to Washington taxied down the runway. The sun began to dip down over the horizon and the sunset exploded across the bay; orange and purple streamers floated across the faded blue denim sky. The engines roared and the plane lifted off.
Ted Cruz and Rand Paul stood on the edge of the runway watching the taillights disappear into the night sky. They turned and started walking back to the beach. Cruz reached out and lightly touched Paul on the elbow.

“Rand. I think this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.”

“Yes Ted. I think so…” and then added with a chuckle, “We’ll always have Paris, Texas.”