Monday, September 30, 2013

The Obamacare Wars Part III

I separated this part out, because Part II was too long...

Sunday Evening, October 20. 7 PM Eastern Time. The President is the Guest of Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes. They are sitting in the Oval Office. The President is wearing tennis shoes, tan golf slacks, a pale blue shirt and a white cashmere sweater with the Presidential Seal emblazoned over his heart.

“Mr. President. I don’t know how you do it. The world has been crashing down around you for the last three weeks and you’re sitting here looking as calm and rested as if you’ve been on vacation for a month.”

“Well, Steve. Michelle keeps me on the straight and narrow. And have you seen those tomatoes from the Garden? Unbelievable. Lycopene. It’s really good for you. Prevents cancer. I’ll have Michelle get you a bag of them before you go. And I’ve been sleeping like a baby the last three nights.”
“Sir. What finally made you do it?”

“You know. It’s for the good of the country in the end. I thought about caving in to their demands for about a nanosecond, but my life flashed before me in that instant and I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Wrong for the Affordable Care act. Wrong for the Country. Wrong for me. After 2016 I’ll be happy to hand the keys over to Hillary or my bro Christie. But in the end these people just REALLY pissed me off.”

“I can understand that. So what’s next?”

“Tomorrow, I’m sending a number of appointments over to the Senate for Harry Reid to rubberstamp. Bill Clinton will be the new Chief Justice. Other than that, mostly housekeeping items.”

“Bill Clinton on the court?”

“I don’t know anyone more qualified or savvy. I mean who can parse the word “is” any better? And he’s probably the most popular politician in America.”

That may not be saying much these days, Mr. President. What else is on your agenda?”

“Donald Trump has decided to trade Trump National Golf Course to the Government. It will now be known as the White House National Golf Course. I’m planning to take a few days off this week and next to get in some golf while the fall weather is at its best.”
“So what was the trade? I hear that Trump drives a hard bargain.”

“Yeah. He’s almost as difficult as Cruz. But I got off easy. All he wanted was my original long form Kenyan Birth Certificate. A few calls to my relatives in Nairobi and it was a done deal.”

“That was a great deal. There are some rumors that you’ll be having some interesting golf partners.”

“Well, Vladimir is going to be in town next week, so we’ll be hitting the links to discuss the Syrian situation. Tomorrow, I’ll be playing with Osama Bin Laden.”

“Bin Laden? I thought he was dead.”

“Well, Steve, did you ever see the pictures?” The President laughs and smiles and his eyes glitter on camera. “The whole Abbotabad raid was staged with the help of the Pakistanis. They had already turned Osama over to us. It was a shame to lose that helicopter though. Anyway, turns out he’s not such a bad guy. Very misunderstood. The whole Caliphate thing was political posturing. He could give Boehner a few pointers. And he’s got a 13 handicap. Pretty good swing and putts like a demon.”

“You have him pretty well hidden. No one knew anything.”

“Well Steve, there are secrets and there are secrets. This one was NSA proof and right under their noses. He’s been living in a cave that was carved out of the bedrock under the Situation Room. We think Cheney was living there for much of the Bush Presidency from the evidence. It’s a big place too. He’s there with 72 virgins… Bill is always dropping by and asking if he can go down and get in on the action. But I tell him that they’re all in dark blue burqas anyway and Hillary has spies everywhere. Drives him wild.”

“Talk about a whirling dervish.”

“You’ve got that right Steve.”

“It’s been a pleasure talking to you Sir.”

“You too Steve. Come back any time. And don’t forget about the tomatoes.”

The Obamacare Wars Part II

July 22, 2213. 11 AM Northern Time. BGBC Holovision Studio. New Freedom, Ellesmere Island.

Sven and Karl are sitting at the News Desk and chatting amiably as they put the finishing touches on their report. Sven looked up at the camera as the technician counted down “3, 2, 1.”

Sven smiled and looked at Karl, saying, “That was amazing. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot of context. Hopefully, as they continue to sort through the materials they will really get to the bottom of this. It appears that there was a government shutdown followed by some kind of financial crisis, precipitated by some faction of Congress known as Republicans and that their leader was someone named Ted Cruz.”

Karl responded, “Yes, Sven. It appears also that, at least of the time of this document that King Obama was not yet a King. They refer to him as the President. Do you think that they may have had some kind of government like our own?”

“It’s hard to say Karl, but the records that have been passed down to us say rather clearly that the Obamanian Dynasty was a Monarchy. It wasn’t until the reign of Queen Sasha the Fourth in 2113 that a Democratic Constitution was instituted after the great plague and the move of the Barackistan Capitol from Albany here to New Freedom after the conquest of the Canadian Resistance.”

“I guess that we’ll just have to listen to more of these reports, as soon as we re-establish to link to our correspondent on Catoctin Island. Karina, how’s the weather this morning?”

Karina smiled and straightened her dress. The pale blue of her eye shadow beckoned the camera and it zoomed in on her and then abruptly angled to the screen on her left.

“It’s hot, hot, hot. Going to be 32 degrees today. Look at those sailboats out on Baffin Bay. Looks cool and refreshing out there. Wish I could join them. And you can see the cliffs of Greenland clearly in the background. A beautiful day. Not much to complain about, but the solar farms and the windmills will be working overtime to keep all those houses comfortable this afternoon. Back to you Sven!”

“Yes, it’s time to resume our little trip into the past. This next piece is from Fox News the day after the President suspended the Constitution. Then there is something called This Week with George Stephanopoulos from a couple of days after the first tape.

Fox News, Saturday Morning, October 19, 9:42 AM.

“Brit, this is Ed Henry across from the White House. There are literally thousands of people in the street. Battle lines are being drawn. The forces of good and evil are facing off against each other. If you were an unbiased observer you might say that nobody is right and everybody is wrong. But these people are spoiling for a fight. They are singing songs and carrying signs. You can see them here in this picture. “Obama is a Kenyan Socialist Muslim. Go Home to Kenya You Voodoo Witch Doctor. Ted Cruz, get your Canadian Ass out of here. Go Back to Calgary Cruz! Keep your grubby Govermint Hands off my Medicare! That’s just a sampling. And then there are the giant effigies, one of Obama and one of Senator Cruz. This is crazy.”

“Ed, what’s the mood out there. It seems dangerous.”

“Well, Paranoia strikes deep. It’s insidious. Remember those sand bugs in the Wrath of Khan that burrow into the brain through the ear. It’s like that. This whole thing could blow sky high.”

“Stop! What’s that sound?” Everybody's looking around. “The effigy of Cruz is going up in flames! Now the Obama effigy is burning! The police are moving in. They are in riot gear. I can smell the tear gas. Dozens of protestors are being wrestled to the ground. Sirens are blaring. I hear shots! I hear shots!”

“Ed, run for cover. This is a war zone. Get out of there as fast as you can.” The tape ends abruptly. Brit Hume composes himself for the camera.
“It appears we’ve lost Ed. Chaos and paranoia at the White House. The country is going down in flames. It’s sickening, just sickening what the President is doing. The will of the people is being trampled on.

Sunday Morning, October 20. 10 AM Eastern Time. ABC News.

George is absentmindedly staring into the camera. Then he focuses his eyes and smiles.

“We’re here this morning 48 hours after the President shocked the nation by actually acting to keep the government open. Things have been relatively quiet across the nation. There was a small scuffle across from the White House yesterday with two arrests for violating the District fire codes and there were small protests around the Capitol Building in Austin Texas yesterday, but most people were watching College Football and the Baseball playoffs. This has been a remarkable couple of days. What’s your take, George?”

George Will gathered himself and glowered across the table. “This is an unprecedented usurpation of power by the President. It’s a goddamn coup in the best Banana Republic tradition. Hugo Chavez couldn’t have done it better. He should be impeached and someday he will be impeached. But…” George paused for a moment and sighed. “He had to do something to make sure the Baseball playoffs were not disrupted. That would have been a tragedy of epic proportions.”

“Charles, what do you think is going to happen?”

Krauthammer, looked startled, as if awakened from a disturbing dream, and blurted out, “Happen? It’s already happened. The American experiment is over. Done. Kaput. We’re just a laughingstock Eastern European Socialist gulag now.”

Sunday Morning, October 20. 10 AM Eastern Time. Fox News Sunday.

“Britt Hume here. The President, as we all know, committed the highest of all high crimes on Friday morning. Some would say that he just made official what he’s been doing all along, which is sucking up all of the power in this country, shoving his commie agenda down the throats of helpless Americans. He’s declared himself Hitler or Mussolini. Joe Stalin is cheering from the grave. FDR too and all those Pinko New Dealers. And his nemesis, the dashing Senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. Poor Ted has been locked up awaiting trial for Treason. Treason, my God! What an appalling turn of events. The White Knight in jail and the Black Knave in the Oval Office gloating. Obviously, this is a perversion of Justice, a perversion of the American way, a perversion of Mom and Apple pie. This is the disgusting spawn of gay marriage and European Socialist tyranny. What do you think of all this, Juan?”

Juan Williams took a deep breath and said, “Something had to be done. But clearly this was the wrong thing. I really think the President should have abdicated and turned the government over to an unbiased caretaker. Someone like Mitt Romney perhaps.”
“Yes, that would have been the sensible thing to do. We’ve got the Republican Governor from Texas on a live link from Austin. How you doin’ Governor?”
“Well, the Aggies really stomped all over Auburn yesterday and we’re looking forward to next week when the Longhorns hope to do the same. So we’re feeling pretty stoked this morning. Yee Ha! Go Texas.” A small crowd gathered around him flashed the Hook ‘em Horns sign and stomped and cheered loudly.

“Of course, we’re all saying our prayers for Teddy boy. It’s a darned shame. Here he sticks his neck out for the good of the country and look what happens. Oops. Never would have figured that Obama had cojones that big. Never in a million years. We’re fixin’ to send a Pardon request up to the President, along with our thanks for not letting the economy of the other 49 States go in the crapper and drag Texas down with it. Texas Strong, Brit. Go Aggies. Gotta go.”

“Resistance continues to mount across the country. There are numerous reports of arrests and pitched gun battles across the nation. Thousands of people in the streets. It was also reported that George Zimmerman was again taken into custody after threatening his neighbors and shooting out the lights at a local convenience store after arguing with the manager over a box of skittles. These are dangerous times. The rabble is roused. We suggest you stay inside and keep the doors locked unless you really have to go out. Keep a gun with you at all times, if possible.”

Sunday Afternoon, October 20. 1 PM Eastern Time. Fox Sports. “Hi Folks. We’re here at Redskins Stadium in Landover Maryland. It’s almost kickoff time and the crowd is buzzing. And they are hoping for a big victory from the Redskins against the mighty Chicago Bears after a very disappointing 1-4 start. Robert Griffin III has looked better and better each week, but the defense has been horrible. Chuck, how do you see this game?”

“Well, I think maybe if they borrowed a couple of balls from the President, they might be able to get something going, but otherwise this is likely to be another loss.”

"Okay. It’s time for the National Anthem. The crowd is roaring and waving those American flags that the Marines were passing out by the Stadium entrances. This is a great afternoon for Football and for America.”

Friday, September 27, 2013

The Obamacare Wars Part 1

The year is 2213 and we are reporting from a remote island which used to be a Mountaintop in the former fiefdom of Maryland. Researchers and archeologists have uncovered a cache of tapes and paper records from the administration of the First King Obama, who started the Obamanian Dynasty which has long been credited with saving the Republic of Barackistan from the horde of invaders from the backward Southern and Western provinces. However, this particular period is shrouded in mystery given the Oil and Gas Wars of the 2020s and the Climate Wars of the 2020s and 30s, and then the great flood of the 2050s which obliterated most of the low lying lands of the eastern seaboard. The reigns of Queen Hillary and Queen Elizabeth of Warren are much better documented, but leave plenty of questions unanswered. We’re going to play you some disks that we found which may shed some light on how this all got started. It’s taken them quite some time to figure out the technology, but we’ve finally figured out how to broadcast these fascinating historical documents.

October 18, 2013. 10 AM EST. “Hello, this is Brian Williams with NBC News. We interrupt this broadcast for an unscheduled Presidential Address. David Gregory is standing by in the Rose Garden of the White House on this beautiful October Morning. What’s going on David?"

“Well, the President is standing on the walkway just outside the Oval Office joking with Joe Biden and a couple of his aides. Now, he just gave a playful jab to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Martin Dempsey. The Presidential Podium is set up facing the cameras and the White House press corps. Otherwise there is a hush in the crowd. He looks remarkably calm and rested, despite the turmoil of the last few weeks. Wouldn’t you say Brian?”

“Yes. Quite remarkable really. The stress of all this must be enormous.”

“And now the President is stepping up to the microphone. The glimmer of his smile begins to fade into a look of relaxed determination.”

“My Fellow Americans. These last three weeks have been a strain on all of us. The brief government shutdown in early October was resolved with great difficulty and painful compromise, though our signature accomplishments have remained untouched. We managed to stabilize the markets, though a lingering malaise has continued as the forces of extremism pushed on, determined to get their way despite the terrible toll that they were exacting on all of us. There is no doubt that these forces of extremism, regardless of how well intentioned some of them are, have brought us to this unprecedented turning point of History. As a result of their intransigence, this Mighty Nation has been brought to the brink of economic catastrophe. The debt ceiling has been breached as of yesterday morning. We have enough cash on hand to pay the Interest on the National Debt. We have enough cash on hand to keep the Military in operation for the time being. The stock market dropped 30% yesterday and was closed early to prevent further losses. They did not reopen this morning, hopeful that by the end of the weekend some solution to this mess will be in place and confidence will be restored.

“Some of you have argued that I could use the 14th Amendment, which guarantees the full faith and credit of the United States to declare the debt limit law unconstitutional and continue borrowing to keep things running in the face of this Republican insurrection. Some have also floated the idea of casting a Trillion dollar coin and depositing it with the Federal Reserve.“ The President smiled for a moment and added, “Imagine trying to put that in your pocket and going out for groceries.” The Press Corp laughed nervously.

“While we might kid about such ideas, in my view, a Constitutional Crisis is not the way to solve an Economic Crisis. It would be a short-term fix, allowing the forces of extremism to lick their wounds and rally for another and then another and then another assault upon this great Nation and its traditions. And the people would suffer greatly. As Lincoln once said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand…I do not expect the Union to be dissolved — I do not expect the house to fall — but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing or all the other.” Lincoln was a wise man and a great President. Perhaps the greatest of all our Presidents. Holding the Union together was not a popular course of action. Yet he held firm and the Union prevailed."

“For the last 24 hours, we have met with the leaders of the Opposition. They continue to refuse to compromise or alter their list of demands. Indeed they have added additional demands. They have sorely tried my patience and I am a VERY patient man. The words that Speaker Boehner used were “our way or the highway.” I take him as a man of his word. I have thought long and hard about our course of action over the last weeks, consulting with all the living Presidents, and some of the dead ones too.” He chuckled softly and smiled radiantly into the camera. “I have come to my decision with a heavy heart, but with a clear conscience. I do not take this action lightly. But Speaker Boehner and his troops have been shown the highway, as they demanded.”

“I am hereby declaring a state of emergency. I have temporarily suspended the Constitution and by executive order, the debt ceiling has been eliminated. I have talked with Wall Street and the leaders of the large banks and credit will flow normally when the Stock Market opens on Monday. If necessary, the National Guard and the Army will be on call to keep the peace in any district where it is deemed necessary. All Republicans in the Congress who refused to sign a loyalty oath have been arrested and have been loaded on buses heading to an undisclosed port, where they will board Coast Guard cutters bound for the new Federal Resort at Guantanamo Bay. In addition, Justices Alito, Scalia, Roberts, and Kennedy have also been arrested and are on the same buses. Clarence Thomas will remain as the token voice of the opposition on the court. I hope that after a moderate vacation in the sun and surf, with free margaritas and plenty of rum that they will see the error of their ways and return to us rested and ready to play a more constructive role in this great Enterprise. One leader of the insurrection however, cannot be dealt with so charitably. Mr. Ted Cruz, also known as “Calgary” Cruz and “Carnival” Cruz, no doubt for his cheery disposition and party planning skills, is being held in custody and will be tried for Treason. Elections have consequences. Ditto Insurrections."

“My Fellow Americans. Thank you for your patience through these great trials. Your Health Care has been saved, along with Medicare and Social Security. God Bless America and good day.” The president smiled and waved; then he stepped down from the podium and walked away quickly, disappearing into the Oval Office with Biden, his aides, and the Joint Chiefs.

“Brian. That was really a stunning performance.”

“Yes Indeed. The President was really on his game today. I expect a huge bounce in the poll numbers after this.”

Chris Matthews chimed in, eyes gleaming, “Masterful. Simply Masterful. Not one concession to the opposition.”

“What about the Cruz situation? Did he handle that correctly?”

“Well Cruz’s poll numbers, outside of Texas and the deep South, have totally cratered. He just has no support where it really matters.” Matthews was on fire.

“Yes, even his Republican allies seem to despise him. He’s got a rough road ahead making his case to the American people.”

“I think the end of this is a foregone conclusion.”

“No doubt about that,” said Harold Fineman with a sly smile.

“Thanks. This is Brian Williams for NBC News. We are now returning you to your regular scheduled broadcasting, but you can turn to MS-NBC for an ongoing discussion of these historic events.”

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Imagine No Obamacare

Imagine true compassion I wonder if you can
no need to give or share
beyond your tight-knit clan...
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine no Obamacare it's easy if you try
kick grandma down the staircase
let all the deadbeats die
Imagine all the 47 percenters
Living life in dread

You may say I'm a dreamer (Ryan, Boehner, Cantor, Rubio, Paul, and Cruz...)
but I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
Free and on our own..

Imagine bright tomorrows
It isn’t hard to do
warm gun under your pillow
And no taxes too
Imagine all the Makers
Finally set Free

You may say I'm a dreamer (Ryan, Boehner, Cantor, Rubio, Paul, and Cruz...)
but I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
Free and on our own..

(c)2013. Jim Heald. All Rights Reserved for the additions and changes to John Lennon's Imagine.