Friday, September 27, 2013

The Obamacare Wars Part 1

The year is 2213 and we are reporting from a remote island which used to be a Mountaintop in the former fiefdom of Maryland. Researchers and archeologists have uncovered a cache of tapes and paper records from the administration of the First King Obama, who started the Obamanian Dynasty which has long been credited with saving the Republic of Barackistan from the horde of invaders from the backward Southern and Western provinces. However, this particular period is shrouded in mystery given the Oil and Gas Wars of the 2020s and the Climate Wars of the 2020s and 30s, and then the great flood of the 2050s which obliterated most of the low lying lands of the eastern seaboard. The reigns of Queen Hillary and Queen Elizabeth of Warren are much better documented, but leave plenty of questions unanswered. We’re going to play you some disks that we found which may shed some light on how this all got started. It’s taken them quite some time to figure out the technology, but we’ve finally figured out how to broadcast these fascinating historical documents.

October 18, 2013. 10 AM EST. “Hello, this is Brian Williams with NBC News. We interrupt this broadcast for an unscheduled Presidential Address. David Gregory is standing by in the Rose Garden of the White House on this beautiful October Morning. What’s going on David?"

“Well, the President is standing on the walkway just outside the Oval Office joking with Joe Biden and a couple of his aides. Now, he just gave a playful jab to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Martin Dempsey. The Presidential Podium is set up facing the cameras and the White House press corps. Otherwise there is a hush in the crowd. He looks remarkably calm and rested, despite the turmoil of the last few weeks. Wouldn’t you say Brian?”

“Yes. Quite remarkable really. The stress of all this must be enormous.”

“And now the President is stepping up to the microphone. The glimmer of his smile begins to fade into a look of relaxed determination.”

“My Fellow Americans. These last three weeks have been a strain on all of us. The brief government shutdown in early October was resolved with great difficulty and painful compromise, though our signature accomplishments have remained untouched. We managed to stabilize the markets, though a lingering malaise has continued as the forces of extremism pushed on, determined to get their way despite the terrible toll that they were exacting on all of us. There is no doubt that these forces of extremism, regardless of how well intentioned some of them are, have brought us to this unprecedented turning point of History. As a result of their intransigence, this Mighty Nation has been brought to the brink of economic catastrophe. The debt ceiling has been breached as of yesterday morning. We have enough cash on hand to pay the Interest on the National Debt. We have enough cash on hand to keep the Military in operation for the time being. The stock market dropped 30% yesterday and was closed early to prevent further losses. They did not reopen this morning, hopeful that by the end of the weekend some solution to this mess will be in place and confidence will be restored.

“Some of you have argued that I could use the 14th Amendment, which guarantees the full faith and credit of the United States to declare the debt limit law unconstitutional and continue borrowing to keep things running in the face of this Republican insurrection. Some have also floated the idea of casting a Trillion dollar coin and depositing it with the Federal Reserve.“ The President smiled for a moment and added, “Imagine trying to put that in your pocket and going out for groceries.” The Press Corp laughed nervously.

“While we might kid about such ideas, in my view, a Constitutional Crisis is not the way to solve an Economic Crisis. It would be a short-term fix, allowing the forces of extremism to lick their wounds and rally for another and then another and then another assault upon this great Nation and its traditions. And the people would suffer greatly. As Lincoln once said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand…I do not expect the Union to be dissolved — I do not expect the house to fall — but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing or all the other.” Lincoln was a wise man and a great President. Perhaps the greatest of all our Presidents. Holding the Union together was not a popular course of action. Yet he held firm and the Union prevailed."

“For the last 24 hours, we have met with the leaders of the Opposition. They continue to refuse to compromise or alter their list of demands. Indeed they have added additional demands. They have sorely tried my patience and I am a VERY patient man. The words that Speaker Boehner used were “our way or the highway.” I take him as a man of his word. I have thought long and hard about our course of action over the last weeks, consulting with all the living Presidents, and some of the dead ones too.” He chuckled softly and smiled radiantly into the camera. “I have come to my decision with a heavy heart, but with a clear conscience. I do not take this action lightly. But Speaker Boehner and his troops have been shown the highway, as they demanded.”

“I am hereby declaring a state of emergency. I have temporarily suspended the Constitution and by executive order, the debt ceiling has been eliminated. I have talked with Wall Street and the leaders of the large banks and credit will flow normally when the Stock Market opens on Monday. If necessary, the National Guard and the Army will be on call to keep the peace in any district where it is deemed necessary. All Republicans in the Congress who refused to sign a loyalty oath have been arrested and have been loaded on buses heading to an undisclosed port, where they will board Coast Guard cutters bound for the new Federal Resort at Guantanamo Bay. In addition, Justices Alito, Scalia, Roberts, and Kennedy have also been arrested and are on the same buses. Clarence Thomas will remain as the token voice of the opposition on the court. I hope that after a moderate vacation in the sun and surf, with free margaritas and plenty of rum that they will see the error of their ways and return to us rested and ready to play a more constructive role in this great Enterprise. One leader of the insurrection however, cannot be dealt with so charitably. Mr. Ted Cruz, also known as “Calgary” Cruz and “Carnival” Cruz, no doubt for his cheery disposition and party planning skills, is being held in custody and will be tried for Treason. Elections have consequences. Ditto Insurrections."

“My Fellow Americans. Thank you for your patience through these great trials. Your Health Care has been saved, along with Medicare and Social Security. God Bless America and good day.” The president smiled and waved; then he stepped down from the podium and walked away quickly, disappearing into the Oval Office with Biden, his aides, and the Joint Chiefs.

“Brian. That was really a stunning performance.”

“Yes Indeed. The President was really on his game today. I expect a huge bounce in the poll numbers after this.”

Chris Matthews chimed in, eyes gleaming, “Masterful. Simply Masterful. Not one concession to the opposition.”

“What about the Cruz situation? Did he handle that correctly?”

“Well Cruz’s poll numbers, outside of Texas and the deep South, have totally cratered. He just has no support where it really matters.” Matthews was on fire.

“Yes, even his Republican allies seem to despise him. He’s got a rough road ahead making his case to the American people.”

“I think the end of this is a foregone conclusion.”

“No doubt about that,” said Harold Fineman with a sly smile.

“Thanks. This is Brian Williams for NBC News. We are now returning you to your regular scheduled broadcasting, but you can turn to MS-NBC for an ongoing discussion of these historic events.”

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