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December 1, 2013, 10 AM EST. The Supreme Court.
"This is Andrea Mitchell here on the steps outside the Supreme Court. Day One of the Ted Cruz Treason trial. A few moments ago, Cruz appeared in court in an orange jumpsuit, his legs in shackles and his hands bound. His hair was long, greasy and wild and much greyer than it had been during the shutdown battles. He had a long untrimmed grey and black beard."
Looking down his nose at the defendant, new Chief Justice Bill Clinton, resplendent in his black robes, asked, “Mr. Cruz, do you have any pre-trial motions?”
“I request, your Honor, that the trial be televised, so that the American People can see this miscarriage of Justice for themselves, with their own eyes.”
Clinton paused and removed his glasses. “Motion denied. This is just plain old fashioned country justice. Mano a Mano. You and me. Anything else?”
Cruz sighed and a wistful smile came to his lips. “I guess not.”
“How do you plead, Senator, to the charges of Treason?”
“Not Guilty, your Honor.”
“I guess we have a ball game then. Play ball gentleman. Mr. Holder, you may proceed with your opening statement.”
“Yes, Mr. President… I mean Mr. Chief Justice. We have a very detailed and well documented case against the defendant, Mr. Cruz. We will show that he conspired with his fellow Republicans and strategically chosen members of the media to bring down the Government of the United States. This heinous act of treason was almost successful in destroying the Republic.”
“Thank you Eric. Mr. Cruz, your turn.”
Ted stood up and looked around the courtroom, stroking his beard. He glared at Eric Holder. Justice Clinton appeared to be nodding off.
“My only regret is that I have but one life to give for my country. Four score and twenty years ago, the democrats foisted upon this nation an abomination, or should I say an Obama nation. Socialism came to our shores, big time! Oh, they said that the only thing we had to fear, was fear itself. Well, be afraid. Be very afraid. The reign of terror has begun. The guillotine is being set up in the square. Madame Defarge is knitting while the executioner sharpens his blade. Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country. Get locked and loaded my friends. That’s what you can do for your country. Remember the Maine!!! Seriously. Remember the Maine. Remember the Alamo too.
“If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain’t gonna make it with anyone anyhow. That’s right! I’m talking to you Billy Boy and you too Eric the Red. There will be fighting in the streets because the kids are alright. Let me say it again. The kids are alright.
“But we’re all just another brick in the wall. Cogs in the machine being crushed by the wheels of Big Government. We are all just yearning to be free and to be left alone, so that we don’t have to care anymore about the poor and the blacks and the reds and the yellows. That is the greatness of America! Being free to just not care anymore. We need to let go of this horrible burden that is crushing our government and crushing our people. Death by a thousand cuts. Cut off one head and a thousand more appear to menace the people.
“Your Honor, my people are tired. My people are broke. My people don’t like green eggs and ham. We will not be crucified on a cross of gold, cause this dog will NOT hunt.” Clinton stirred.
“You know what? I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty I will be judged by the content of my character, not the color of my jumpsuit. I don’t need no riches. I don’t need no fortune nor fame. I’ve got all the riches one man could ever claim, right here in my heart. Don’t tread on me! Don’t you tread on me! I see a shining city on a hill. I see it. I see it all clearly. Give me Liberty or give me Death.”
Cruz took a slight bow, smiled and sat down. Clinton was snoring audibly, but dropped the gavel and awoke, startled at the sound.
“Thank you very much, Mr. Cruz, for that inspiring speech. I’m sure it will be studied in school for a thousand years.”
Eric Holder, the Attorney General, approached the bench and the bailiff called the first witness for the Prosecution.
“The prosecution calls Mr. Ted Cruz to the Stand.” A Federal Marshall unshackled Cruz’ legs and hands and led him to the stand, where he plopped down on the hard bench.
Holding out a Bible, the bailiff bellowed, “Do you, Mr. Cruz, agree to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”
Cruz pondered the question for a moment and said softly, “The Truth…” He paused a moment and his eyes began to glitter with fire as his face took on a menacing look.
“The Truth, You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Pelosi? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Harry Reid and you curse the Tea Party. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that death, while tragic, probably saves lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall…”
The Chief Justice pounded the gavel. “Order in the Court, Mr. Cruz. That was swell, but a simple yes or no would suffice. And by the way, I know Jack Nicholson and you Senator are no Jack Nicholson.”
“Yes, your Honor. I will tell the truth, the whole truth and whatever. But the American People demand more than a simple yes or no answer. They demand an end to their suffering under the unjust and arbitrary laws of this Administration. The truth is Your Honor that I do not like Green Eggs and Ham. I do like White Castle though… Mmmmmm. Sliders. That’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God.”
January 1, 2014. 10 AM EST. The Supreme Court.
“This is Andrea Mitchell on the steps of the Supreme Court. This is a historic occasion. The Supreme Court is opened on New Year’s Day for the first time ever. Inside the sentence in the Ted Cruz Treason trial will be laid down. A few moments ago, Ted Cruz entered the courtroom flanked by two Federal Marshalls. His hair was even longer and more disheveled than it had been during the trial. His orange jumpsuit was wrinkled, as if he had slept in it all night. The sergeant at arms called out, “This court is now in session. All Rise.”
“Chief Justice Clinton, strode into the room like a colossus, his white mane perfectly coifed, his complexion ruddy. He took his seat. Then he waved for the assembly to sit and adjusted the glasses on his nose. His eyes were a little blood shot and frankly he looked tired. That New Year’s Eve party went on into the wee hours. I heard they were partying like it was 1999. What am I saying? We were partying like it was 1999.” The cameras turned on inside the court room. They zoomed in on the Chief Justice, who looked down at his prepared remarks.
“Mr. Cruz. I commend you for how well you did in your defense in playing such a bad hand. You have fomented an insurrection against the lawful government of the United States. You have committed Treason and the Penalty for Treason is Death. You will be executed at Half Time during the Super Bowl for all the world to see.” A smile crossed Cruz’s lips. His eyes brightened.
“Do you have any words for the Court, Senator?”
“I hope the Cowboys are playing, your Honor.” You might have thought for a second that he had won the lottery. The marshalls picked him up by the arms and whisked him away. Clinton stood up, turned, waved to the cameras and retreated to his chambers.
Super Bowl Sunday. February 2, 2014. East Rutherford, NJ. Moments before kickoff.
“We’re getting ready for the Super Bowl to start here. We were of course hoping for a matchup like the Saints and the Patriots, but that was not to be John.”
“Yeah, we’ve got the undercard tonight. A real snoozer. It’s the Bengals and the Lions, who both backed into the playoffs and managed to get here by sheer luck. I mean how many 80 yard fumble returns and last second interceptions in the end zone can any one team expect. But it seems like every game with these two teams, that was the script.”
“Well, they say the Lord works in mysterious ways.”
“You can say that again. I must say that was a stunning rendition of the National Anthem by Beyonce. I was almost in tears. It’s just amazing to watch those breasts swell when she hits the high notes. And we’ve got a great half-time show planned for you all. We’ve got Springsteen, the Rolling Stones, The Who, Paul McCartney, Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Madonna and a cast of thousands. And, of course, we’ve got the execution of Ted Cruz too. The Lions have won the toss and have elected to receive. Let’s play ball.”